I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
