BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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