I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
