Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
