do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
