she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
