he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
