i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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