She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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