Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
