So drunk its hurt
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
