Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish you could order shots online.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
