if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
