I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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