tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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