No stitches, just platelets and will power
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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