Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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