She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
