she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I didn't notice because vodka
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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