Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
wow bdsm is so cute
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
