How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize