I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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