You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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