hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
