and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
