What tipped you off? The sombrero?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
