I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
