When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Randomize
