she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
