Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
