3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
