Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
