How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
