I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
