hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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