i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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