The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
