That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
