My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
