Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
