Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
