im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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