I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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