I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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