We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
