He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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