About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
