Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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