I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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