I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
