is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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