I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
