shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
